Moving forward...not back.

Yes, I've been MIA for a couple weeks. I know it seems like I just gave up, and maybe I did a little bit. Life happens. I'm taking a lot of big steps right now. This whole project was definitely about becoming a better me and it's not just about the getting healthy part. I'm working with a therapist every other week also. I hit a point where I needed to deal with the mental baggage first. I have a lot of it. I've never really dealt with anything head on. I just take it all in, and pretend it's not there anymore. My defense mechanism is to zone out of life. I'm tired of living like this. It's getting easier and easier to see how I've gotten to this point. I've decided to let go of a lot of the negativity in my life. Last night I said a final goodbye to someone I've loved for 13 years because it was time. It was the hardest thing I've had to do since I placed my daughter up for adoption. He was a huge part of my life that I was keeping around out of fear. I was afraid what my life would be like without having him in it. I finally decided that it was time to let go of the things and the people that are holding me back from being the good person I want to become. He was the first one to go, but not the last. In the spirit of moving forward, I'm going to stop looking back.

Two weeks ago, I spent my Saturday speaking to a group of parents who hope to become adoptive parents someday. I told them about my experiences as a birth-mother. Every time I speak at these classes, I remember why it's important for me to talk about it. I need to remember to be proud of myself for making the right decision. I love my daughter and her family with all of my heart, and she's the reason I made something of my life. I'm sharing this with you because I want you to know that it's possible to get through anything in this life. I'm still working at this every day, but I can do it. I will do it.

This morning I had my first official volunteer experience with Special Olympics. I was a judge for the county Gymnastic games. I was so inspired by these athletes. Not one of them gave up, even when they physically had difficulties. They were so proud of themselves for just getting out there and trying. There was so much laughter and joy. I can't wait for the next one.

I need to decompress for now. But don't worry, I will be back soon...

Staying committed

I surprised myself this morning. I've been sick for the last two days and yet I still forced myself to get up and hit the gym this morning. Old Nikki would have hit snooze and said, "Eff it. I don't feel good." But I didn't. I got up, walked across my complex to the gym and did a half an hour workout. I can definitely feel the motivation coming back in a big way.

Tomorrow is going to be an awesome day. I've been asked to speak as a Birthmother for a group of new potential adoptive families at Catholic Charities. These are some of my favorite events as a Birthmother because these parents are terrified of me. They've (usually) never met a Birthmother before, and they almost always have an idea in their head of what I'm not. It's an opportunity for me to encourage these future adoptive parents to consider open adoption, and to not be scared of birthmothers. My favorite part is questions and answers where I make them all freak out by saying that I only looked at one profile of a family, and didn't even glance at another. God put my adoptive family on top of the stack of profiles for a reason. They were meant to be the parents of my daughter (we were soulmates). It was the greatest decision I've ever made, and I really am the luckiest person on this planet to have such an amazing relationship with the parents of my girlie. I can't wait for tomorrow... Don't worry, you'll get to see some of it, I'm bringing a camera ; )

I'm back!

Just cause I haven't been posting does not mean I haven't been back on track. I hit a rather large reset button this past Monday morning. It took me a few days to really comprehend what happened. And I'm still not even sure how to admit this, but I'll try. I was doing ok on Saturday and Sunday with eating better and going swimming both days because my mom was in town. But for some reason, the second she left, I had this overwhelming urge to just say, "Fuck it." It's not that its been that difficult, which is why I don't understand the why. But either way, I rented a movie, and I ordered a pizza and cherry coke. Then I proceeded to eat nearly all of said pizza. When I say nearly all, I mean there was like half a piece left. It was disgusting. It didnt even taste good and I was so not prepared for how sick I would get. I couldn't fall asleep because I was full, and then immediately after I finally managed to get an hour of sleep, I woke up at 3 am sicker than I've ever felt in my life. My body was so mad at me. It was horrible. I couldn't go back to sleep, I couldn't even be horizontal because it hurt too much. I just sat there thinking, "Why?! Why did you do this to yourself??" I had no legitimate answer, and pretty soon it was time for work. I was miserable all day, I didn't want to eat at all. I didn't end up eating breakfast or dinner or breakfast the next day either. It was definitely the worst idea I've ever had. But I still managed to make myself go to dance class that night and the gym the next morning, so I did let it be the opportunity I needed to get back on track. I definitely stayed under my calories for the last two days and I'm going to just keep trying. I need to learn how to pick myself up after falling a little bit better. That's always been my problem. Anytime I've been on a get healthy mission, I would give up after one screw up, thinking it was a lost cause. One week of screwing up is only one week! One week out of the hundreds of weeks I have left in my life. There's always another one coming around the corner. I can do this. I WILL do this. Just gotta Keep Calm and Carry On. Or Gangnam Style, whichever comes first.

Epic fail.

Yes, I neglected to post my month update on Thursday (the 20th). The good news is I lost 10 pounds! The bad news is that I took a little break this week. I let myself get distracted. Majorly. There was absolutely no reason for it, but it happened nonetheless. I'm hitting the reset button today. Mom is coming up from Tampa today and we are going swimming the second she gets here. I can't really explain why I let myself down this week, but it was going so well, I'm not going to let one bad week deter me. Overall, I'm going to just be proud of myself for the 10 pound loss, and use that as fuel to keep going...

Motivation...

As I said in the beginning of this project, I wanted accountability to push me forward. I needed it. My motivation is somewhere between "Can I really do this?" And "Do I want to do this?". I'm at the point where all of this should just come naturally and it shouldn't even be a question. But for some reason, it's just getting increasingly more difficult. Yes, I'm dancing and I'm doing little pieces here and there (I still can't believe I've gone a month without cherry coke). I really don't know why I let things distract me, but this morning I slept in instead of working out. It's the first time I've done that. Last night was Rob's birthday party part duex, and I stayed up hella late. Way past the time that would have gotten me that 8 hours of sleep before a workout. I'm frustrated with myself. I had fun, and I let myself be distracted. I shouldn't be this hard on myself for missing one workout, but I am. I am going to try again tomorrow morning to make up for it and just get right back on track. I have to do this. Tomorrow is Sept 20th, which marks a full month since my birthday. Only 11 months to go, how'd that happen?! I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning and I'm going to keep going. And it's seriously about time to go on some of these adventures on my list! I've been so focused on this getting healthy part that I forgot there was a ton of other stuff on my list to do. I got this...

Also, recently a good friend from high school posted this photo on my Facebook to remind me of old times. This picture floored me, because I forgot that I used to look like that. I miss that body. Although, can someone please tell me how to get that skinny but keep these giant boobs and butt?

Gah! Dancing is so much fun!

yup.

Sunday Funday

This weekend was SUPER. Yesterday, I experienced my first Thai yoga massage. My mother got it for me as a gift, and it was absolutely incredible. Basically, you just get put into the most relaxed state you've ever been in as the masseuse moves your body around and massages it. I'm horrible at describing things, but you get the idea. I could have laid there forever. Anywhoo, then it was back to Orlando just in time to make it over to my work BFF Rob's house for his surprise (which turned out to be anything but a surprise) birthday party. Let me introduce you to one of the sexiest BFF's a girl could have. Pictured below is my Robert. I heart him. His birthday party was a blasty blast. Then I woke up this morning and spent a lovely Sunday reading and getting some pool time in. It was a great weekend. Tomorrow is back to 5K training, and Nikki needs to get shut eye so she can wake up at 6:30. Woot! I'm still in it to win it, despite my lack of posts. ; )