A fresh start.

Wow, this blog has just been tough to keep up with. I haven't fallen off the wagon or anything, in fact I'm more on board now than I was at Day One. As the end of 2012 is only one more day, I've had some time to reflect on this past year quite a bit. So much in me has changed. The motivation to be a better person is stronger than ever. In the last few months, a good friend has come in to my life and changed it forever. Somehow, he found a way to make me realize a lot about myself and what I'm capable of doing. He has helped me see how even the little minor changes have a big impact.

I just got home from spending a week in Nebraska, a place that has always brought somewhat of negative affect on my life. No matter how much progress I've made becoming a better person, I always find myself making poor decisions when I go home. I know I'm not the only one who can't let go of things in the past, but that place would take a little piece of my soul every time I returned home and made poor choices. Well, this trip was the first in 7 years where I made the decision to NOT look back. I didn't see a single person who was a negative influence in my life. I spent a lot of time with my family and good friends. I spent my entire last night in town crying myself to sleep because I was so unbelievably proud of myself. I know you can't possibly fully understand how monumental this was for me, but everything inside me has now changed. I did something I never thought possible. And having done so, I proved to myself that I truly can do anything. I wouldn't have been able to do this without Dave's advice and I don't quite know how to put in words how grateful I am to him for helping me through it. It took someone else to believe in me more than I ever thought I could believe in myself, for me to realize my strength.

I now have 8 months and 21 days to finish this project. That's more than enough time. It's an incredible feeling to acknowledge how capable you are to change the things you want in life. The only way I'm going to do this is to hold on to this positivity for dear life. I can and will get through this. 2013 will be my year.

Keeping Up with Nikki

It's officially been two whole weeks of being back on track. I'm seriously proud of myself. This struggle is becoming less of a struggle and more of a "just gotta do it". Yesterday I actually got up at 5:30 to work out before my Dr. Carter appointment at 7:30, so I wouldn't miss one day. The difference between now and before is that I'm not being as hard core about my food right now. That was making me crazy. Honestly, I think the focus I had on the food intake was what made me go completely off track. The second I ate something I wasn't supposed to, I just gave up. This time I'm not going to be as hard on myself about it. I'm working out, and that's all I'm worried about for now.

As for the rest of this list, I'm midway through reading I am Legend, another book on my list. I'm writing again, which has been immensely beneficial for my state of mind lately. A lot of stress at work has made me kind of grouchy. The writing and exercising has made that stress a lot easier to deal with.

I'm looking forward to Christmas. Heading back to Nebraska on the 21st. Not sure yet if that's a good or a bad thing, but I'll let you know. Hopefully the world doesn't end on my way there... I know a video blog is in order shortly. Keep an eye out!

Nothing is impossible.

So, I've officially made it three days in a row waking up at 6 am to work out. Three days. That's awesome. It's such a small step, such a small amount of time, but I'm proud of myself. I needed to feel that momentum again. There's so much going on in my life right now and so many things that are just up in the air that having this to focus on has been a welcome retreat. I am three weeks away from going home to Nebraska for Christmas, and I'd like to feel like I've made progress again by then.

I weighed myself this morning (despite being terrified about it) and nearly fell over in shock. Despite going on a break from working out and not eating right for nearly a month and a half, I only gained one pound back. I guess somehow I just unconsciously ate less or got in some extra exercise somewhere. I expected to get on the scale and feel somewhat defeated but I just wanted to know. While one pound was still one pound too many, I'm happy that I'm not totally starting over from scratch.

Everyone has been so supportive these last few days, and giving me extra encouragement to keep going and I'm taking all of it in. Now to focus on the other items that don't involve weight loss. I still have a pretty giant stack of books to read. I've just gotta find the time to sit down and do it. I've still got nine months left to get some more of these items crossed off, so let's do this.

On a last little side note for today, I've seen this video being passed around Facebook, and if you haven't already, I suggest you watch it. Not only did I cry my eyes out, but I did get inspired. Sometimes it's nice to have the reminder that nothing is impossible. 

I'm back, ya'll!

Oy! How the eff did it get to be November 28th already? I've been away for so long. Too long, in fact. First, let me say, I'm sorry that I let you all down. I had so many of you asking me when I would come back, and I honestly didn't know the answer. I was frustrated. I was stressed beyond belief at work. I was cutting off a lot of things that were important to me because that's what I do. That's how I've always handled things that are "hard". I put hard in quotes because I don't think this particular journey is hard. It's different, but it's not that hard.

I certainly made it out to be harder than it needed to. It's not really that difficult to wake up at 6:30 and go to the gym. It's not that difficult to read a book instead of watch a movie. It's not that difficult to eat some healthy instead of something that can barely be called food. While all of you have been nothing but supportive, what I want you all to know is that I don't want to give up. I wouldn't have started this project if I thought that I was just going to quit. None of these things would be on my "to-do" list if I didn't want to do them in the first place.

What I have to keep reminding myself is that I'm trying to change my brain's programming after 29 years. I've spent my whole life on one track, and now I'm trying to leap to a completely alternate lifestyle. It's not supposed to be easy, change never is. But I want to find happiness and I don't want to waste my life sitting on my ass.

I can tell you right now that I don't know how many times I might fall down between now and August 20th, but I can tell you that I will always pick myself back up. I went to the gym this morning and reset my Couch to 5K back to Week 1 - Day 1. That in itself has given me a renewed sense of motivation. I also have to thank my friend Dave for a somewhat brutally honest conversation on Monday night that helped me realize how much I truly needed this project back in my life. I needed that, Dave, and I thank you. And thank you to all of the rest of you who have believed in me along the way as well. I'm back, yall. Watch out : )

Moving forward...not back.

Yes, I've been MIA for a couple weeks. I know it seems like I just gave up, and maybe I did a little bit. Life happens. I'm taking a lot of big steps right now. This whole project was definitely about becoming a better me and it's not just about the getting healthy part. I'm working with a therapist every other week also. I hit a point where I needed to deal with the mental baggage first. I have a lot of it. I've never really dealt with anything head on. I just take it all in, and pretend it's not there anymore. My defense mechanism is to zone out of life. I'm tired of living like this. It's getting easier and easier to see how I've gotten to this point. I've decided to let go of a lot of the negativity in my life. Last night I said a final goodbye to someone I've loved for 13 years because it was time. It was the hardest thing I've had to do since I placed my daughter up for adoption. He was a huge part of my life that I was keeping around out of fear. I was afraid what my life would be like without having him in it. I finally decided that it was time to let go of the things and the people that are holding me back from being the good person I want to become. He was the first one to go, but not the last. In the spirit of moving forward, I'm going to stop looking back.

Two weeks ago, I spent my Saturday speaking to a group of parents who hope to become adoptive parents someday. I told them about my experiences as a birth-mother. Every time I speak at these classes, I remember why it's important for me to talk about it. I need to remember to be proud of myself for making the right decision. I love my daughter and her family with all of my heart, and she's the reason I made something of my life. I'm sharing this with you because I want you to know that it's possible to get through anything in this life. I'm still working at this every day, but I can do it. I will do it.

This morning I had my first official volunteer experience with Special Olympics. I was a judge for the county Gymnastic games. I was so inspired by these athletes. Not one of them gave up, even when they physically had difficulties. They were so proud of themselves for just getting out there and trying. There was so much laughter and joy. I can't wait for the next one.

I need to decompress for now. But don't worry, I will be back soon...

Staying committed

I surprised myself this morning. I've been sick for the last two days and yet I still forced myself to get up and hit the gym this morning. Old Nikki would have hit snooze and said, "Eff it. I don't feel good." But I didn't. I got up, walked across my complex to the gym and did a half an hour workout. I can definitely feel the motivation coming back in a big way.

Tomorrow is going to be an awesome day. I've been asked to speak as a Birthmother for a group of new potential adoptive families at Catholic Charities. These are some of my favorite events as a Birthmother because these parents are terrified of me. They've (usually) never met a Birthmother before, and they almost always have an idea in their head of what I'm not. It's an opportunity for me to encourage these future adoptive parents to consider open adoption, and to not be scared of birthmothers. My favorite part is questions and answers where I make them all freak out by saying that I only looked at one profile of a family, and didn't even glance at another. God put my adoptive family on top of the stack of profiles for a reason. They were meant to be the parents of my daughter (we were soulmates). It was the greatest decision I've ever made, and I really am the luckiest person on this planet to have such an amazing relationship with the parents of my girlie. I can't wait for tomorrow... Don't worry, you'll get to see some of it, I'm bringing a camera ; )

I'm back!

Just cause I haven't been posting does not mean I haven't been back on track. I hit a rather large reset button this past Monday morning. It took me a few days to really comprehend what happened. And I'm still not even sure how to admit this, but I'll try. I was doing ok on Saturday and Sunday with eating better and going swimming both days because my mom was in town. But for some reason, the second she left, I had this overwhelming urge to just say, "Fuck it." It's not that its been that difficult, which is why I don't understand the why. But either way, I rented a movie, and I ordered a pizza and cherry coke. Then I proceeded to eat nearly all of said pizza. When I say nearly all, I mean there was like half a piece left. It was disgusting. It didnt even taste good and I was so not prepared for how sick I would get. I couldn't fall asleep because I was full, and then immediately after I finally managed to get an hour of sleep, I woke up at 3 am sicker than I've ever felt in my life. My body was so mad at me. It was horrible. I couldn't go back to sleep, I couldn't even be horizontal because it hurt too much. I just sat there thinking, "Why?! Why did you do this to yourself??" I had no legitimate answer, and pretty soon it was time for work. I was miserable all day, I didn't want to eat at all. I didn't end up eating breakfast or dinner or breakfast the next day either. It was definitely the worst idea I've ever had. But I still managed to make myself go to dance class that night and the gym the next morning, so I did let it be the opportunity I needed to get back on track. I definitely stayed under my calories for the last two days and I'm going to just keep trying. I need to learn how to pick myself up after falling a little bit better. That's always been my problem. Anytime I've been on a get healthy mission, I would give up after one screw up, thinking it was a lost cause. One week of screwing up is only one week! One week out of the hundreds of weeks I have left in my life. There's always another one coming around the corner. I can do this. I WILL do this. Just gotta Keep Calm and Carry On. Or Gangnam Style, whichever comes first.