Yes, I've been MIA for a couple weeks. I know it seems like I just gave up, and maybe I did a little bit. Life happens. I'm taking a lot of big steps right now. This whole project was definitely about becoming a better me and it's not just about the getting healthy part. I'm working with a therapist every other week also. I hit a point where I needed to deal with the mental baggage first. I have a lot of it. I've never really dealt with anything head on. I just take it all in, and pretend it's not there anymore. My defense mechanism is to zone out of life. I'm tired of living like this. It's getting easier and easier to see how I've gotten to this point. I've decided to let go of a lot of the negativity in my life. Last night I said a final goodbye to someone I've loved for 13 years because it was time. It was the hardest thing I've had to do since I placed my daughter up for adoption. He was a huge part of my life that I was keeping around out of fear. I was afraid what my life would be like without having him in it. I finally decided that it was time to let go of the things and the people that are holding me back from being the good person I want to become. He was the first one to go, but not the last. In the spirit of moving forward, I'm going to stop looking back.
Two weeks ago, I spent my Saturday speaking to a group of parents who hope to become adoptive parents someday. I told them about my experiences as a birth-mother. Every time I speak at these classes, I remember why it's important for me to talk about it. I need to remember to be proud of myself for making the right decision. I love my daughter and her family with all of my heart, and she's the reason I made something of my life. I'm sharing this with you because I want you to know that it's possible to get through anything in this life. I'm still working at this every day, but I can do it. I will do it.
This morning I had my first official volunteer experience with Special Olympics. I was a judge for the county Gymnastic games. I was so inspired by these athletes. Not one of them gave up, even when they physically had difficulties. They were so proud of themselves for just getting out there and trying. There was so much laughter and joy. I can't wait for the next one.
I need to decompress for now. But don't worry, I will be back soon...
