A fresh start.

Wow, this blog has just been tough to keep up with. I haven't fallen off the wagon or anything, in fact I'm more on board now than I was at Day One. As the end of 2012 is only one more day, I've had some time to reflect on this past year quite a bit. So much in me has changed. The motivation to be a better person is stronger than ever. In the last few months, a good friend has come in to my life and changed it forever. Somehow, he found a way to make me realize a lot about myself and what I'm capable of doing. He has helped me see how even the little minor changes have a big impact.

I just got home from spending a week in Nebraska, a place that has always brought somewhat of negative affect on my life. No matter how much progress I've made becoming a better person, I always find myself making poor decisions when I go home. I know I'm not the only one who can't let go of things in the past, but that place would take a little piece of my soul every time I returned home and made poor choices. Well, this trip was the first in 7 years where I made the decision to NOT look back. I didn't see a single person who was a negative influence in my life. I spent a lot of time with my family and good friends. I spent my entire last night in town crying myself to sleep because I was so unbelievably proud of myself. I know you can't possibly fully understand how monumental this was for me, but everything inside me has now changed. I did something I never thought possible. And having done so, I proved to myself that I truly can do anything. I wouldn't have been able to do this without Dave's advice and I don't quite know how to put in words how grateful I am to him for helping me through it. It took someone else to believe in me more than I ever thought I could believe in myself, for me to realize my strength.

I now have 8 months and 21 days to finish this project. That's more than enough time. It's an incredible feeling to acknowledge how capable you are to change the things you want in life. The only way I'm going to do this is to hold on to this positivity for dear life. I can and will get through this. 2013 will be my year.

Keeping Up with Nikki

It's officially been two whole weeks of being back on track. I'm seriously proud of myself. This struggle is becoming less of a struggle and more of a "just gotta do it". Yesterday I actually got up at 5:30 to work out before my Dr. Carter appointment at 7:30, so I wouldn't miss one day. The difference between now and before is that I'm not being as hard core about my food right now. That was making me crazy. Honestly, I think the focus I had on the food intake was what made me go completely off track. The second I ate something I wasn't supposed to, I just gave up. This time I'm not going to be as hard on myself about it. I'm working out, and that's all I'm worried about for now.

As for the rest of this list, I'm midway through reading I am Legend, another book on my list. I'm writing again, which has been immensely beneficial for my state of mind lately. A lot of stress at work has made me kind of grouchy. The writing and exercising has made that stress a lot easier to deal with.

I'm looking forward to Christmas. Heading back to Nebraska on the 21st. Not sure yet if that's a good or a bad thing, but I'll let you know. Hopefully the world doesn't end on my way there... I know a video blog is in order shortly. Keep an eye out!

Nothing is impossible.

So, I've officially made it three days in a row waking up at 6 am to work out. Three days. That's awesome. It's such a small step, such a small amount of time, but I'm proud of myself. I needed to feel that momentum again. There's so much going on in my life right now and so many things that are just up in the air that having this to focus on has been a welcome retreat. I am three weeks away from going home to Nebraska for Christmas, and I'd like to feel like I've made progress again by then.

I weighed myself this morning (despite being terrified about it) and nearly fell over in shock. Despite going on a break from working out and not eating right for nearly a month and a half, I only gained one pound back. I guess somehow I just unconsciously ate less or got in some extra exercise somewhere. I expected to get on the scale and feel somewhat defeated but I just wanted to know. While one pound was still one pound too many, I'm happy that I'm not totally starting over from scratch.

Everyone has been so supportive these last few days, and giving me extra encouragement to keep going and I'm taking all of it in. Now to focus on the other items that don't involve weight loss. I still have a pretty giant stack of books to read. I've just gotta find the time to sit down and do it. I've still got nine months left to get some more of these items crossed off, so let's do this.

On a last little side note for today, I've seen this video being passed around Facebook, and if you haven't already, I suggest you watch it. Not only did I cry my eyes out, but I did get inspired. Sometimes it's nice to have the reminder that nothing is impossible. 

I'm back, ya'll!

Oy! How the eff did it get to be November 28th already? I've been away for so long. Too long, in fact. First, let me say, I'm sorry that I let you all down. I had so many of you asking me when I would come back, and I honestly didn't know the answer. I was frustrated. I was stressed beyond belief at work. I was cutting off a lot of things that were important to me because that's what I do. That's how I've always handled things that are "hard". I put hard in quotes because I don't think this particular journey is hard. It's different, but it's not that hard.

I certainly made it out to be harder than it needed to. It's not really that difficult to wake up at 6:30 and go to the gym. It's not that difficult to read a book instead of watch a movie. It's not that difficult to eat some healthy instead of something that can barely be called food. While all of you have been nothing but supportive, what I want you all to know is that I don't want to give up. I wouldn't have started this project if I thought that I was just going to quit. None of these things would be on my "to-do" list if I didn't want to do them in the first place.

What I have to keep reminding myself is that I'm trying to change my brain's programming after 29 years. I've spent my whole life on one track, and now I'm trying to leap to a completely alternate lifestyle. It's not supposed to be easy, change never is. But I want to find happiness and I don't want to waste my life sitting on my ass.

I can tell you right now that I don't know how many times I might fall down between now and August 20th, but I can tell you that I will always pick myself back up. I went to the gym this morning and reset my Couch to 5K back to Week 1 - Day 1. That in itself has given me a renewed sense of motivation. I also have to thank my friend Dave for a somewhat brutally honest conversation on Monday night that helped me realize how much I truly needed this project back in my life. I needed that, Dave, and I thank you. And thank you to all of the rest of you who have believed in me along the way as well. I'm back, yall. Watch out : )

Moving forward...not back.

Yes, I've been MIA for a couple weeks. I know it seems like I just gave up, and maybe I did a little bit. Life happens. I'm taking a lot of big steps right now. This whole project was definitely about becoming a better me and it's not just about the getting healthy part. I'm working with a therapist every other week also. I hit a point where I needed to deal with the mental baggage first. I have a lot of it. I've never really dealt with anything head on. I just take it all in, and pretend it's not there anymore. My defense mechanism is to zone out of life. I'm tired of living like this. It's getting easier and easier to see how I've gotten to this point. I've decided to let go of a lot of the negativity in my life. Last night I said a final goodbye to someone I've loved for 13 years because it was time. It was the hardest thing I've had to do since I placed my daughter up for adoption. He was a huge part of my life that I was keeping around out of fear. I was afraid what my life would be like without having him in it. I finally decided that it was time to let go of the things and the people that are holding me back from being the good person I want to become. He was the first one to go, but not the last. In the spirit of moving forward, I'm going to stop looking back.

Two weeks ago, I spent my Saturday speaking to a group of parents who hope to become adoptive parents someday. I told them about my experiences as a birth-mother. Every time I speak at these classes, I remember why it's important for me to talk about it. I need to remember to be proud of myself for making the right decision. I love my daughter and her family with all of my heart, and she's the reason I made something of my life. I'm sharing this with you because I want you to know that it's possible to get through anything in this life. I'm still working at this every day, but I can do it. I will do it.

This morning I had my first official volunteer experience with Special Olympics. I was a judge for the county Gymnastic games. I was so inspired by these athletes. Not one of them gave up, even when they physically had difficulties. They were so proud of themselves for just getting out there and trying. There was so much laughter and joy. I can't wait for the next one.

I need to decompress for now. But don't worry, I will be back soon...

Staying committed

I surprised myself this morning. I've been sick for the last two days and yet I still forced myself to get up and hit the gym this morning. Old Nikki would have hit snooze and said, "Eff it. I don't feel good." But I didn't. I got up, walked across my complex to the gym and did a half an hour workout. I can definitely feel the motivation coming back in a big way.

Tomorrow is going to be an awesome day. I've been asked to speak as a Birthmother for a group of new potential adoptive families at Catholic Charities. These are some of my favorite events as a Birthmother because these parents are terrified of me. They've (usually) never met a Birthmother before, and they almost always have an idea in their head of what I'm not. It's an opportunity for me to encourage these future adoptive parents to consider open adoption, and to not be scared of birthmothers. My favorite part is questions and answers where I make them all freak out by saying that I only looked at one profile of a family, and didn't even glance at another. God put my adoptive family on top of the stack of profiles for a reason. They were meant to be the parents of my daughter (we were soulmates). It was the greatest decision I've ever made, and I really am the luckiest person on this planet to have such an amazing relationship with the parents of my girlie. I can't wait for tomorrow... Don't worry, you'll get to see some of it, I'm bringing a camera ; )

I'm back!

Just cause I haven't been posting does not mean I haven't been back on track. I hit a rather large reset button this past Monday morning. It took me a few days to really comprehend what happened. And I'm still not even sure how to admit this, but I'll try. I was doing ok on Saturday and Sunday with eating better and going swimming both days because my mom was in town. But for some reason, the second she left, I had this overwhelming urge to just say, "Fuck it." It's not that its been that difficult, which is why I don't understand the why. But either way, I rented a movie, and I ordered a pizza and cherry coke. Then I proceeded to eat nearly all of said pizza. When I say nearly all, I mean there was like half a piece left. It was disgusting. It didnt even taste good and I was so not prepared for how sick I would get. I couldn't fall asleep because I was full, and then immediately after I finally managed to get an hour of sleep, I woke up at 3 am sicker than I've ever felt in my life. My body was so mad at me. It was horrible. I couldn't go back to sleep, I couldn't even be horizontal because it hurt too much. I just sat there thinking, "Why?! Why did you do this to yourself??" I had no legitimate answer, and pretty soon it was time for work. I was miserable all day, I didn't want to eat at all. I didn't end up eating breakfast or dinner or breakfast the next day either. It was definitely the worst idea I've ever had. But I still managed to make myself go to dance class that night and the gym the next morning, so I did let it be the opportunity I needed to get back on track. I definitely stayed under my calories for the last two days and I'm going to just keep trying. I need to learn how to pick myself up after falling a little bit better. That's always been my problem. Anytime I've been on a get healthy mission, I would give up after one screw up, thinking it was a lost cause. One week of screwing up is only one week! One week out of the hundreds of weeks I have left in my life. There's always another one coming around the corner. I can do this. I WILL do this. Just gotta Keep Calm and Carry On. Or Gangnam Style, whichever comes first.

Epic fail.

Yes, I neglected to post my month update on Thursday (the 20th). The good news is I lost 10 pounds! The bad news is that I took a little break this week. I let myself get distracted. Majorly. There was absolutely no reason for it, but it happened nonetheless. I'm hitting the reset button today. Mom is coming up from Tampa today and we are going swimming the second she gets here. I can't really explain why I let myself down this week, but it was going so well, I'm not going to let one bad week deter me. Overall, I'm going to just be proud of myself for the 10 pound loss, and use that as fuel to keep going...

Motivation...

As I said in the beginning of this project, I wanted accountability to push me forward. I needed it. My motivation is somewhere between "Can I really do this?" And "Do I want to do this?". I'm at the point where all of this should just come naturally and it shouldn't even be a question. But for some reason, it's just getting increasingly more difficult. Yes, I'm dancing and I'm doing little pieces here and there (I still can't believe I've gone a month without cherry coke). I really don't know why I let things distract me, but this morning I slept in instead of working out. It's the first time I've done that. Last night was Rob's birthday party part duex, and I stayed up hella late. Way past the time that would have gotten me that 8 hours of sleep before a workout. I'm frustrated with myself. I had fun, and I let myself be distracted. I shouldn't be this hard on myself for missing one workout, but I am. I am going to try again tomorrow morning to make up for it and just get right back on track. I have to do this. Tomorrow is Sept 20th, which marks a full month since my birthday. Only 11 months to go, how'd that happen?! I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning and I'm going to keep going. And it's seriously about time to go on some of these adventures on my list! I've been so focused on this getting healthy part that I forgot there was a ton of other stuff on my list to do. I got this...

Also, recently a good friend from high school posted this photo on my Facebook to remind me of old times. This picture floored me, because I forgot that I used to look like that. I miss that body. Although, can someone please tell me how to get that skinny but keep these giant boobs and butt?

Gah! Dancing is so much fun!

yup.

Sunday Funday

This weekend was SUPER. Yesterday, I experienced my first Thai yoga massage. My mother got it for me as a gift, and it was absolutely incredible. Basically, you just get put into the most relaxed state you've ever been in as the masseuse moves your body around and massages it. I'm horrible at describing things, but you get the idea. I could have laid there forever. Anywhoo, then it was back to Orlando just in time to make it over to my work BFF Rob's house for his surprise (which turned out to be anything but a surprise) birthday party. Let me introduce you to one of the sexiest BFF's a girl could have. Pictured below is my Robert. I heart him. His birthday party was a blasty blast. Then I woke up this morning and spent a lovely Sunday reading and getting some pool time in. It was a great weekend. Tomorrow is back to 5K training, and Nikki needs to get shut eye so she can wake up at 6:30. Woot! I'm still in it to win it, despite my lack of posts. ; )

Aye Yai Yai

So... This week was tough to keep up with the blogging part. And everything else, really. I did work out all week, but I missed dance class (cuz I was picking up Detective Benson) and I didn't read a page. I work too much. I've always let the whole workaholic side of me be a huge excuse for why I don't do the things I said I would. I'm definitely working on that, and I'm proud of myself for not slacking on the 5K training or the eating properly. I realize that over the course of the next year, there will be times that I will get distracted. This week was definitely one of those weeks. I had two shoots scheduled in one day, amongst doing pre-production for a few others. The awesome part was getting to briefly "meet" Penny Marshall via FaceTime, whilst shooting an interview with the wonderful Cydney Daly (daughter of Dream Team coach, Chuck Daly). It was an incredible experience. And someday I might actually be able to talk about what I witnessed ; ) Either way, it was a distraction I was appreciative of. Back to work now. I've got my book list almost ready to reveal, and some adventures coming soon! Stay tuned...

Oh, and in case you missed it, we recently had Magnum P.I. Friday at work. Enjoy.

Meet Detective Olivia Benson!

Yup. I got a cat. I really needed someone to hang out with that doesn't have a penis. I found an awesome kitty that, despite what you might see in this video, loves me already. When I went to check her out, she was the only one out of the numerous felines there that came right up to me. I picked her up and she fell asleep in my arms almost instantaneously. I knew she was gonna be mine. Yes, I named her Detective Olivia Benson after my favorite lady ever, Mariska Hargitay on Law & Order SVU. I would have named her Mariska, but that's a bit of a mouthful. And it also leaves the option of getting a second cat and naming him Elliot Stabler. Nerd factor: 11 out of a possible 10. Here's to being a cat lady!

Don't worry, I'm still all in.

I realize I skipped a few days of blogging, but I didn't really have much to say. I've been busy at work and real life, but I've stayed strong on my calorie intake and my marathon training. I'm still losing weight quickly, I can tell my clothes are fitting differently! Today was a pool day with my work BFF, Rob. It was fun, and still managed to squeeze in some exercise. It's definitely getting easier to stick to this way of life every day. I'm almost at the month mark, which is crazy to think about. I gotta start getting on the other items on my list soon!!

Just for fun, I'm throwing in a rather hipster photo for you to entertain yourself by mocking ; )

Video Update-AHHHHH!

I'm starting to see it!

There's something about the whole getting healthy thing that just makes you feel amazing. I know I'm a tiny bit smaller than I was yesterday, and especially smaller than two weeks ago. It motivated me to get up and make myself pretty for work today. I rarely wear my hair down because I'm just not that girly, but I felt like being a lady today. I took a full body picture to both motivate and feel proud of myself. Only I can tell the difference but I'm sharing it anyway...

The true test.

Anyone who knows me (or my mother) knows that when the two of us are together, we like to eat. It seems like all of the times in the past that one of us has made an effort to lose weight, it was made all the more difficult by one of us not being ready for it. So, after two weeks of this health kick, I knew the true test of my "stickwithit-ness" would be the arrival of my mother for Labor Day weekend. My mother is my best friend. Not in a sad, I have no other friends kind of way, but rather in the she's the most kick ass person I know kind of way. I want her to get healthy with me. So, when she got here, the first thing I did was make her download the My Fitness Pal app (lindakaymorrison, look her up-she needs friends to encourage her too). Then, I made us a healthy lunch and we went to the pool. We didn't just lay around in the pool like blobs getting sunburned. We actually swam. For almost an hour and a half, we kept our bodies moving. It was awesome. Today, we woke up and did it all over again. Plus, we added a few hours of shopping, which has to have burned off a calorie or two-or maybe not... Either way, I'm proud of both of us.

Me? Inspirational? When did that happen?

I made it through Week 2! I don't know how, I honestly don't. I worked out on schedule, I stayed under my calorie limit every single day, I read another 100 pages of Wicked, I danced like crazy (the video from Tuesday doesn't count). I seriously did it. It might be odd that I find myself surprised at accomplishing what I said I was going to do, but really, I'm shocked. I guess I've spent such a long time not doing any of it that I got used to thinking I never could. Turns out I can. I want all of this so badly now, it's not even an option to quit. The strangest part of this whole thing is that I did this for myself, but I didn't realize how much it would affect others. I've been getting the most incredible emails, messages, and phone calls. I've heard from three people that I inspired them to get going on their journey, and they are making their own list. My boss, Anne, has even joined me in working out! This has been such a humbling experience. The thing is, hearing all of that just motivates me more. Now I wouldn't be just letting myself down, I'd be letting everyone else down too, if I fail. That's why I wanted to document this journey, to be held accountable. Now I am. Probably the most insane part of this is realizing how many people are actually following me and my blog. I've been posting for two weeks now, look how many views!

This is crazy. Either way, I'm going to keep going. So should you. Whatever personal journey you are on, you can do it too. Believe me, if I can do this, anyone can. 

Yay! I've been accepted!

So, Item # 6  on my list (again, these are in no particular order) is to Volunteer for the Special Olympics. I submitted my official application yesterday and received the above email back! I'm seriously stoked. I've been talking about doing this for quite some time, ever since I was first introduced to SO, and the amazing volunteers and athletes within the organization a few years ago. My best friend from college, Shawn, suggested that we do our Documentary project with SO and I have to admit, I was nervous. I had zero experience working with people who had special needs and wasn't sure how to be. I was the director of our film, and somehow I had to connect with something completely unknown to my world at that time. That project truly opened my eyes. Not only did the athletes make me feel totally welcome, but I was instantly awed by everyone. These athletes were inspiring and changed every single notion I had ever thought or unknowingly assumed.  I met some absolutely amazing individuals throughout that whole process, and I've wanted to get involved ever since. Inevitably, as with all of the other items on this list, I made excuses for why I didn't have the time. Well, now I'm making the time. There's absolutely no reason for me not to. I seriously cannot wait to get started! I've also decided to include my documentary below, in case anyone is interested in checking it out. 

Thank you, Facebook.

If I didn't feel motivated before, Facebook sure helped me out. Thanks for reminding me that I'm ginormous, you bastard. On a side note, I think I'll start accepting applications for people to spoil me. That sounds awesome.

I apologize in advance for what you're about to witness.

I needed something to shoot. I had nothing to shoot. This is what happened.

Three posts in one day?!

I'm sorry, I had to. I just arrived back home after Dance Class #1: Hip Hop. OHMYGOODLORD I feel fantastic! Aside from every bone and muscle in my body being furious at me for what I just put it through, that was the most amazing hour of my life. I've been missing dance for years... It's always been something that has been a part of my soul, and it was missing for the last 11 years or so. I'm being absolutely serious when I say that I almost lost it in the middle there. I forgot how powerful it is to let your body just become a part of the music. I'm completely inspired! I also found my choreographer for the Dance Music Video I'm making towards the end of this project. His name is Casper. He is epic. Alright, I've posted enough for today, tomorrow is a rest, read, and learn French day. Eff yes.

The Meeting with Jason Blanchard-My Goals Coach

This here's my Goal Coach, Jason. We filmed this about a week and a half ago (sorry, I'm just now getting it uploaded). The day before this all started, Jason started sending me motivational texts on nearly a daily basis. He's been incredibly supportive since the first conversation he and I shared about this daunting project. I am totally grateful to have him as a motivator, and probably wouldn't have made it through the first week without him. Thanks Jason!

New work out clothes worked!

I got up this morning around 7 am, and had my favorite boss join me for a work out session at my apartment complex gym. The new work out clothes made it a little more fun (see below-but don't laugh). I can honestly say my legs hurt, but that good kind of hurt. The "I am definitely doing this" pain. I've also decided what my first 5K will be. I'm going to do the Color Run on December 2nd! (www.thecolorrun.com) Basically, you just run and get colored paint sprayed at you once in awhile. It sounds awesome. And ridiculous, which is why it is totally appropriate for my first 5K ever. My marathon coach, Tracy, forwarded me a plan called "Couch to 5K" which is a 9 week plan of action to get ready for the 3.1 miles I'll be running. It's totally doable, so I'm feeling a little less overwhelmed about it. I also did fantastically at choosing my food today, and I still have 830 calories left for dinner! Woot!

Five minutes to spare

I almost didn't make it to blog before the day was done. Honestly, I'm struggling with the food part. I didn't assume it would be easy, but I think I had more confidence in my ability to stay strong in the first week at least. This week was full of distractions. Excuses, really. I am mentally drained from my week of chaos but I'm back on track. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of this life changing year, and I'm back on the horse with a vengeance. I'm going to wake up early, head to the gym in my new work out clothes (I'm hoping that will help with the drive to do it). I can and will do this.

On a side note: I read 168 pages of Wicked in the last two days! I'm going to keep a running tab at the end of my blogs every day with the page count from here on out.

Book 1- Page 1

The list of books to read this year is quite ginormous. I'm going to keep a tally of pages read throughout the year, just for fun. The list is no particular order, so I'm choosing Book #1 at random. I've never seen the musical Wicked, and I've heard the books are are fantastic. Reading was one of my favorite things as a child, but as I grew up, I found myself making excuses for not having the time. There's plenty of time to read, I just chose not to. I'm thrilled to be reunited with my lost love, Words.

Next on the list...

It's time to start learning French! This just arrived today. So excited! I should maybe give some background on the whole learning French thing. Quite some time ago, I was dating (and then lived with) a guy from Togo, Africa. He spoke French, and even for a time lived in Paris. Out of every attractive quality a man can have, speaking French is at the top of my personal preferences. For the last 8 years, I've wanted to learn French to help find that perfect French guy. I wish I could say it was for something less trivial, but I have no shame. I also promised to be honest with all of you, and most of all myself, so that's the truth.

Good stuff

Day 4 is over with. Today was much harder to get through. I was completely mentally and physically exhausted from driving all over the state of Florida yesterday (7 hours total). I woke up this morning and had to head into work and greet the 75 emails I missed over the last three days. I worked straight until 8:30 pm. These are the days that are going to be the toughest. Some work days are longer than others, and I just have to acknowledge that sometimes I can't fit exercise in. But, I did stay under my calorie intake for the day, so at least that part was covered. I'm home now and in less than two minutes, I'll be dead asleep and will just have to start over tomorrow. But, tomorrow is a brand new day so bring it!

My Fitness Pal

Just got the My Fitness Pal app, add me! My username is nikitabanana29. I've already started tracking the calories. This is going to be an incredibly helpful tool.

Day 2

My birthday party last night was absolutely amazing. I can honestly say that I have never had that much fun nor have I felt that much love on any other occasion. Alcohol definitely got the best of me, but I did manage to fit in 15 minutes of a work out prior to the festivities. Today was a recovery day, but I still found some time to do some dancing alone in my room. Every little bit helps. I should add that probably the most difficult thing about today was not having any pop or coffee. I don't recall any day in recent history having gone without coffee and I could have really used some. My sister and I traveled to my mothers house in Tampa and wow that drive is long without caffeine. Tomorrow, I plan on getting up at a decent time and taking a walk around the neighborhood before we head to Fort Myers to visit my daughter. It's going to be great day. My sister hasn't seen my daughter in about 6 or 7 years.I can't wait to see my daughter and my nieces interact. It's such a rare occasion to get everyone in the same place at the same time. Day 2 has come and gone, and I just gotta remember that it will get easier as time goes on...

The Plan.

AHHHHHH!!! The day is finally here! Let's do this.

That was humbling.

This one is going to be short. I couldn't fit on the hulk ride. I didn't know I was that big until this moment. I told myself I would be honest on this blog and this is about as honest as I have ever been. I'm really struggling to keep the tears in. How did I let myself get to this point? It wasn't that I was too big to actually go on the ride, it was that I had to switch to the seat with a longer seat belt and my ass barely made it into the bucket seat. To the point where I actually felt pain throughout the entire ride. Guess I was looking for motivation to get started, and it just hit me smack in the face. My weight has now impacted my ability to enjoy one of my favorite things... Tomorrow is a new day. I can do this. I can't afford not to.

Why do I want to live?

Yesterday, I sat down with my goals coach, Jason Blanchard, to discuss my plan for the next year. He threw a curve ball at me that I was absolutely not expecting. Jason looked at me and asked, "So, if you are doing this because you don't want to die, why do you want to live?" It seems like such a basic question, but I honestly could not answer. It's been in the back of my mind for the last 24 hours, and I thought maybe writing this out would help.

How does one even begin to contemplate why they want to stay alive? I know that part of why I'm doing this project is because I know that being unhealthy is going to eventually catch up to me. I know that I don't want to die of lung cancer, or get diabetes. But why do I want to live?

Would it be ridiculous to say that I don't want my mother to be alone? That's not really a reason for me, that's a reason for her. What do I want out of life that is so important for me to see this through? I don't have children that I'm raising, I don't have a husband to take care of, it's just me. Maybe what I really want is to inspire. I want someone reading this blog to discover that they want more out of life than just living the day to day. Truly, if I can get through this, and really do this right, anyone can. I've spent years being complacent and perfectly comfortable with the minimum out of life. I don't want that anymore.

I want to travel and see the world for how truly incredible it is. I want to be well read and have insightful conversations with new people. I want to give back to those who aren't as fortunate as I am. I want to utilize my talents and abilities and share them with the world. I want my life to actually have purpose. A true purpose.

Why do I want to live? Because I need to find out what that purpose is.

Two more days...

It's getting closer and closer. It's really quite hard to believe that I'm only two days away from starting this crazy journey. The overall idea started about a year and a half ago. I was two weeks away from heading to Bora Bora with the Kardashians (yes, THOSE Kardashians), and it was my first time leaving the country. It occurred to me then that at 27 years old, I hadn't experienced anything of the things I had planned to. I told my mom that I was going to start changing my life by no longer fearing the unknown. I did something crazy on that trip that I still don't believe I actually experienced. I swam in that big ass ocean with sharks and rays swimming right next to, below, and all around me. It was insane. But the thrill of doing something I had feared my entire life was overwhelming. And from that moment on, this project went into development. Basically, I spent a year and a half putting it off.

Cut to a few months ago, I said to myself, "Nikki, it's time. You're about to be 29 years old. Get it done."

So, here we are. Two days away from taking on the biggest thing I have ever, or will ever do. I'm scared out of my mind. I'm terrified of failure. My hope is that fear will only spur me on, and that a year from now, I'll be sitting down to write about how proud I am of myself for accomplishing everything I set out to do.

Two more days...

Here I go...

As some of you may or may not know, I am turning 29 a week from today. August 20th, 2012 will be the last birthday of my twenties. How in the hell did that happen? I'm not particularly scared of aging, but being confronted with the idea that my twenties somehow passed me by is...well, depressing. I've done a lot in 29 years, but I've also intended to do so much more and just got lazy somewhere along the way. I'm all too aware of how far behind the curve I am. I'm single, unhealthy, I smoke, I never go out anymore, and all I do is work. I'm pretty sure there is more to life. I've made plenty of New Years Resolutions, set all kinds of goals, and talked a big game, but I rarely do any of the things I say I'm going to.

"I'm going to lose 100 pounds..."
"I'm going to read more books..."
"I'm going to be more adventurous...."
"I'm going to volunteer more..."
"I'm going to quit smoking..."
"I'm going to start dancing again..."

All of these (and more) have been verbalized in some form or another for the last ten years, and yet here I sit. It's time. All of this has been brewing inside me for years, and it finally hit me that 30 is right around the corner. Maybe if I document everything through a blog/vlog, I'll actually go through with it. I need something to hold myself accountable. I need the support of my family and friends to make this work. This is me asking for it.

I have one week before I change my life forever. Here's to being crazy enough to actually do this...